


Be the star you were meant to be

by Fandomnerdfrogs



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon), steven universe future - Fandom
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Cold, Fluff and Angst, Gen, Heavy Angst, Illnesses, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Medicine, Mental Health Issues, Minor Character Death, Night Terrors, References to Depression, Therapy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-25
Updated: 2020-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-26 01:41:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 11,895
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21955309
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fandomnerdfrogs/pseuds/Fandomnerdfrogs
Summary: Steven is in dire need of therapy after everything that has happened. Is set sometime during SU future, definitely after why so blue.
Relationships: Canon - Relationship
Comments: 7
Kudos: 93





	1. Illness

The crystal gems were tending to beach city, still helping other gems settle in to human life. Steven however, was sat in his bed, with a cold. He tried to run out the house before the gems caught him but it proved futile with Garnets future vision.

"Steven. You are sick."  
"I'm fine. I just need some aspirin and cold medicine."  
"Steven. Go back to bed, we can handle this." 

Steven's head was pounding and light hurt his eyes. He messaged his dad to get him some soup and any cold medicine he could. Huddled in his blankets, he felt a soft hand on his back.  
"Hey, dad. How are you?"  
"I'm fine. How are you?"  
"I'm fine."  
Greg hummed and handed over a bottle of cold medicine and a thermos of soup. Steven thanked him and drank out of the thermos. He felt drowsy and let his eyes close, then fell into sleep.

To say he had a nightmare would be an understatement. No matter how many gems he convinced to be 'better' per se, he always worried they would go back. Jasper was somewhat a threat and the diamonds still had enemies. Especially Pink. Spinel took revenge on him and his friends because of his mom and many gems were still angry at the diamonds saying 'they can't change and expect us to immediately trust them'. And, they were right. It all came together in one perfect night terror. The diamonds blamed him for Pink, White took over his friends and corrupted them, Ruby and Sapphire were shattered, every gem turned against him and his family, Connie and his dad were taken, spinel poisoned the earth, Jasper destroyed everything, everyone he fought came together to fight him and then, the cluster destroyed the earth. 

He was screaming when he woke up. Greg was scared and his eyes were wide.  
"Kid, you good?"  
Steven nodded, tears streaming down his face.  
"That cold hurting?"  
"No..."  
"Okay. What's wrong?"  
"I- I saw everyone die... I saw you and Connie get taken away. The gems were shattered. The diamonds turned against me. The planet got destroyed and everyone turned against me. They blamed everything on me."  
"That wouldn't happen Steven. They love you."  
Greg was comforting and Steven relaxed around him, despite the lingering reminder that he was the reason they lost Rose.  
"Dad, I love you."  
"Love you too, son."  
They sat like that for a while, waiting for the gems to return from school. When they arrived, Garnet immediately walked over and hugged Steven.  
"They will never hurt you or us. That will never happen."  
"Wait what?" Amethyst said, confusion creeping through her voice.  
Steven retold his dream, crying the entire time. When he finished, he saw the gems crying, horrified at what he said. His face fell and panic spread. 'What if they hate me me? What if they stop me from doing anything? What if they cast me out?' He thought. His breathing became erratic and his skin became more pink than usual. Pearl wrapped him in a hug and started wispering in his hair, "Steven, we would never let this happen. We love you and will never stop loving you. You are perfect and nothing will change that. Nothing ever could."  
"Yeah! Come on, I wanna show you something I made!" Amethyst shouted, sending a small pain through his head.  
She produced a small card from her gem and handed it over to him for a small amount of aproval. It was a beautiful drawing of him and the other gems, including all the oned he helped and the ones who still didn't like him. Inside it said:  
Steven, get well soon,  
we all miss you so much!  
And around it, it had different signatures from different gems from the entire school, and even some from homeworld. He smiled and thanked her, hugging her close and placed the card on his bedside table.  
"I think we should let his rest. That cold is still growing and he has a high fever." Pearl suggested, taking Amethyst by the shoulder and pulling her away.  
"Come on we just got here!" Amethyst protested.  
"Pearl is right Amethyst. You should get some rest Steven. Text us if you need us. We'll be in our rooms." Garnet responded.  
"See you tomorrow Stu-ball. Get better." Greg said, placing a kiss on his sons head  
"Actually Greg, can we talk with you for a moment. I'm sure Pearl can accommodate in her room" Garnet said taking his arm.  
Greg nodded and let the gems lead him to their rooms.  
Steven smiled and thought 'I should rest. No more night terrors please.' Before he fell asleep for the second time.

Greg smiled at the vast expanse of the room, the water features amazing him.  
"We, well Garnet, thinks that therapy might be beneficial to Steven." Pearl said, keeping it blunt.  
Greg was speechless. He knew Garnet was best for advice but therapy was a whole new subject.  
"I saw Steven with and without therepy in around ten different- and most likely- timelines. Five for each. There was one time when therapy wasn't the best option for him but the majority of these outcomes were beneficial to him. His mental health was heightened and he didn't let his past haunt him. These terrors stopped and he stopped becoming pink. He still did but he could control it for dire situations. It helped him. I then re-ran the entire outcomes with local therapists who could come to beach city and found the optimal person. Then we took different time slots and found the best one for him. I have the form set up and we need parental permission. Please read through the entire page." Garnet coninued, showing a laptop to Greg, with everything filled in.  
"I- thank you. How do we tell Steven?" He responded.  
"We should tell him up front. It helps to say things to peoples faces- it lets them build trust. We should do it." Garnet responded.  
"We should be there for comfort! Right Pearl?" Amethyst shouted.  
"Yes. A sister figure and another motherly figure for support," Pearl deliberated "I think that would be best for Steven, well done Amethyst." 

They left the room after Greg gave his permission and entered how they could contact him and the gems. They saw Steven asleep and decided to tell him in the morning. The gems felt guilty that they couldn't do more. They'd raised Steven as their own and now, they were powerless against this. They'd seen death, so had Steven but they were never really troubled by any of it. Maybe they needed some too, after Rose died, it left something. An empty part that couldn't be filled. And yet, Steven did. He helped them get through it all by being himself- a star. And now, he was suffering because of them and his mom. Hopefully this therapy was one of the good outcomes. It had to be part of the 80% that Garnet saw. With their luck it couldn't have been but they could only hope.


	2. Plan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven thinks about therapy after the crystal gems bring it up. He then comes up with a plan to help the gems.

Steven woke up to see Greg and Garnet sat by his side. Pearl and Amethyst were stood by and he assumed the worst. His cold had died down with his headache but his hands started to shake.  
"Steven. We've thought about what you said yesterday and we think that you should see a therapist. I agreed after Garnet explained and you can always back out." Greg said, his heart heavy with guilt.  
"We found someone who I saw that would be the most beneficial. Greg has filled out the form but we need your permission first. It's only right."  
Steven was silent. His hands kept shaking and tears pricked his eyes.  
"Stu-ball... Are you okay?"  
"I- I... I need some time. Time to- to think." He stuttered.  
"Of course Steven. Take as long as you need." Pearl hummed.   
The gems left with Greg and Steven was left alone. He knew therapy was good. People had genuinely said it helped but they knew nothing about what he'd been through. He didn't know his mom, her burdens were his and he almost died because of her. Several times. He thought of all the pain. Jasper, all of the animals, the acid, Spinel hitting his gem and White removing it completely. He scratched at his gem and remembered where her nails dug in. It stung to remeber what happened through the years. His eyes leaked and he started sobbing. He felt trapped. He felt like he needed to forget it all. But they were a part of him- the part that got him here. So, with the thoughts running around his mind, he called the one person he knew who was trapped- Lapis Lazuli.  
The phone rang for several seconds before Lapis answered.  
"Hey Steven! Sorry that took a while, Peridot and I are teaching botany and nature-"  
"Hi Steven!" Peridot cut in.  
"Peridot! Anyways, what's up?" Lapis shouted, laughing at the gem.  
"Um, are you in private?" Steven asked.  
"No, give me a second though."  
Steven sighed with relief as he heard Lapis excuse herself and fly somewhere safe.   
"I'm alone. What's wrong?"  
"How did you get over being trapped?"  
Lapis fell silent and he heard her breathing hasten.  
"Well, I had people who cared. They let me be myself and always accepted me. Plus, I've recently had some therapy. It wasn't professional it was online. But in person would help a little more. I was happy and just being able to vent was helpful. And, I did things that made me happy. I made art and started singing, Peridot and I watch sitcoms constantly and I take time for myself. Besides, I go out and exercise. That helps me feel free. What for?" She finished.  
"Oh um, nothing. Just interested. I wanna make a gem therapy. Some of them are struggling." Steven lied. He found it to be good idea but he needed to be sure about therapy in the first place.  
"That's a great idea Steven! I have to go, Lapis- well, the nice one- is looking for me. Then I gotta go back to class. Bye!"  
"Bye!" He hung up and layed back on his bed. He grabbed his schedule in his bag and put in a small reminder:  
Gem therapy  
He felt proud, helping others, knowing that he could help them remain happy and be safe. But, the gems would force him in first. He sighed again and started to hum himself to sleep.

He woke up as the gems came in the door with Greg.  
"I've made a decision!" He said.  
"That's great! Now, what do you want to do?" Pearl exclaimed hugging him tightly.  
"Okay, I've decided that I will take therapy. And, hear me out, we get an official gem therapist." He said.  
They fell silent. Steven saw no emotion on their faces. Until Garnet smiled.  
"Steven, I cannot tell you the outcomes of this but I can say, great things will come because of you. Our little star."  
Steven smiled back and started to cry.  
They talked about his gem therapy idea for hours, taking notes about what they could do. They decided that Tuesday and Thursday would be therapy days, and they would find a gem who knew and could learn therapy.  
"What about Lapis?" Steven suggested.  
The gems looked confused so he explained.  
"She said she had therapy. And gave me some activities that helped her, so if she could listen, give advice and help others, it might make her feel better! And Peridot could do the same!"   
The gems smiled and looked at Garnet for advice.  
"That... works better than what I foresaw. Well done Steven." She responded placing her hands on his arms.  
They once again left him to rest, pulled out the form and told Lapis about Steven's plan. They prayed for a positive response and got one when Lapis dragged Peridot through the teleporter.  
"We say yes." She said.  
"Lapis! We can't say that! We- we don't have the time!" Peridot argued.  
"Peridot, we fought the diamonds for time to be free. We have time. Besides, I want to continue helping gems. So, I will help."  
"You make an excellent point. Okay. I'm in. What's the plan?"   
The gems explained how Lapis would do face to face therapy, groups and singular and Peridot would lead activities. The two agreed to switch out on different days and to let gems request one of them. Then, Pearl made a small request.  
"Can you have a practice few weeks with Steven. He needs it."   
The two were shocked and wide eyes. How could Steven Universe need therapy? Then they remembered. The diamonds, Spinel, Lars and every single gem who he had fought. It almost made them cry then and there.  
"We will. Tuesdays and thursdays." Lapis whispered.  
The crystal gems and Greg thanked them and let them go back to little homeworld, before going back to their rooms themselves. The next day, they would have to tell Steven. Had to.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Once again, please leave feedback and I hope you enjoyed!


	3. Therapy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven goes to his first therapy session and realises it may not be what he thought

One week later 

Steven woke up to a blender. His head was slightly ringing and he could breathe through his nose again. He walked down the stairs, glancing at the paintings, and saw the crystal gems making breakfast and packing bags for the day.  
"What's going on?" He asked.  
"Ah, Steven! Glad you're up today! We took your idea and its officially therapy tuesday! It does start next week but we want you to test out the programme!" Pearl exclaimed, handing him a bag, medicine and drink.  
"Uh, thanks." He responded, taking a long sip.  
"No problem, so, we all ready to go?" She called outside.  
Outside, Garnet held up her thumb as she opened the door for Amethyst.

The drive was long and they stopped for snacks along the way. Once, arriving, the gems took him to a small building next to a large garden, filled with roses and life.  
Inside had teal walls, blue and green accents, a desk and armchairs with several pillows and a small room with blue, green and gold furniture.  
"This is.. Breathtaking." He whispered.  
"I'm glad you like it! We wanted to make a serene place for people! Let them relax!" Lapis said, appearing behind the desk, gold freckles illuminated by the light.  
"Hi, um, I'm here to 'test the programme' here." Steven said, not knowing how to respond.  
"Yes! They told me that you were here for minor therapy! Come with me!"  
She took him to the offset room and sat him in the chair by Lapis Lazuli. She passed a clipboard to Lapis and smiled as she left to continue unpacking with Peridot, who he could hear messing with some form of technology.  
"So, Steven, how are you today?" Lapis asked, placing a blue and gold pen to her paper.  
"I'm alright, I guess. I don't have a cold and I can sleep."  
"That's good. The gems told me that you've been having night terrors. What are they about and how long have you had them?"  
"They came last week. On Monday. They haven't come up since but I keep thinking about it. They normally involve people hating me, taking people I care about, the diamonds shattering gems, everyone fighting me for mom and my gem being removed."  
"You asked me about being trapped, what brought that?"  
"Um. I guess the fact that White imprisoned me, being held on trial, being held captive by you, Peridot and Jasper- it's fine, by the way- Spinel rejuvenating me and the fact that people blame me for mom. And running this place."  
"I see. So you feel pressure to help the gems that all of the diamonds may have hurt?"  
"Yeah that sums it up."  
"Well, it seems like you are putting too much pressure on yourself. You also said that being physically trapped could be making you feel this way?"  
"I guess. I mean, you know how that feels."  
"I do, but it dosen't mean much. I put myself in one situation on purpose, like you did. That wasn't a good decision on either of our parts for mental health. However, it was beneficial for the liberation of all gems. But that dosen't excuse it. You must remember to look after yourself before others. You can do both, like this for example, but you are a priority for yourself. We are testing time periods for this but we think that half an hour is beneficial for this therapy, and then, you can go outside with Peridot for as long as you wish. Lapis can explain."  
"Thanks Lapis, I think gems could really learn from this."  
Lapis nodded as Steven left, letting him ask Lapis at the desk to take him to Peridot.  
"So, Lapis, Lapis said- we need to give you a nickname." Steven said.  
"What about Freckles? Like my freckles!"  
"Hey, that's really good! You're really smart!" Steven said, giving a small, harmless punch to her arm.  
"Thanks! What were you saying about Lapis?"  
"Oh! Right, something about Peridot?"  
"Ah, yes. So, Lapis is in charge of the main therapy, Peridot is in charge of therapy activities. She leads art, gardening and exercise routines. It helps gems to clear their minds and have fun, while taking care of mental health. We are thinking of making a small clinic for you, so you can help gems and we can introduce them to little homeschool! We do need your permission to build this and we think it could help more gems!" She said as Peridot came into their veiw- fighing with some plants and bugs.  
"Thats another great idea Freckles! Tell the others and we can get on this right away!"  
Freckles left while texting Pearl about the new idea.  
"Hey Peridot, whats going to happen?"  
"Well, we want to alternate activities every session, but peoples skills could affect that. Anyways, we're going on a nature hike for today. I intend for this to be the main activity. So, how are you feeling after therapy?"  
"Well, I feel better about a lot of things. I know I can't take the blame for mom and I have to let go of pressure. I have to take time for muself and I guess just be in the moment! Or, that's what I think I have to do.." Steven blushed and rubbed the back of his neck.  
"Well that's good! Therapy isn't just a 'you have to do this to the 'T'' kind of thing, it's letting you express how you feel in different ways and then you deal with it in a healthy way. You don't have to take medication, you can do it in your own way. You have a specific trauma from your experience. You do so much for others and now, you can step back and let others help you. Take a break."  
"Yeah. Yeah I will. I think this will be a huge hit for gems. Maybe even other people."  
"Okay. You can leave or keep walking around for a bit. I gotta go back to the Lapis's."  
"It's Lapis and Freckles now."  
"Huh. Anyways, I gotta help set up for next week. Come back on thursday with anything you could use. Maybe bring a guitar."  
Peridot left running and Steven was left with his thoughts. For once they weren't about others or work, they were about the garden. Filled with roses and animals, it was a haven for everyone and the sky was clear and bright. Maybe, just maybe, it would be untouched be pollution and harm. He thought of Connie, how she would love to read in the warm air. And of Spinel, the gem who was abandoned in a garden like this, and if she would find refuge in a garden where she could be free to do whatever she wanted. And the diamonds, would they be reminded of Pink's garden? The fact she rebelled against them for life and love? He sighed and sat down at the foot of the tree, letting his thoughts be drowned out by the calling of the birds in their nests. Maybe, just maybe, it would be okay.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I just say thank you to all who read this on Christmas because I did not know it would have like 130 reads on day 1 so thank you and leave feedback!


	4. Nightmare

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven has another nightmare and it goes downhill from there.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tw: minor suicide but its okay!

The gems found Steven in the garden, sitting under a tree, surrounded by roses and small birds. Garnet walked by all the animals and picked up the child, mindful of his sleeping form. She took him back to the pad where the gems went back to the beach house. They put Steven in his bed and wrapped him up tightly, brushing their hands over his gem and giving a reassuring squeeze on his arms.

Steven woke up screaming and sobbing. His bedsheets wouldn't get off and he couldn't move. This night was worse. Lapis had told everyone about his terrors. They mocked him, ridiculed him to nothing and then hurt everyone he loved. Even Connie left. When he screamed, he kept screaming for Connie, screaming for her not to go and stop laughing. But when he realised he was alone, it got worse. He unfurled himself from the blankets and pulled on his clothes. He grabbed his phone and some extra clothes, and ran. His feet dragged in the sand and he tripped, falling face first, sand staying in his tear stains and eyes.   
"What am I doing?" He cried, hugging himself and letting the tears fall on his jeans.   
"Steven." Garnet said from behind him.  
He looked up and saw her looking down on him. He saw tears in her third eye from Sapphire and anger and disappointment in Ruby's.   
"Steven.. Please come home. Pearl is panicking and Amethyst is trying not to cry."  
Guilt flooded Steven. His eyes widened and he looked to the place he ran from. He stood up, tears continuing to pour out of hus eyes.  
"No." He said.  
"Steven."  
"No!" Steven ran. Heart pounding in his chest, he ran towards beach city, not looking back at the other gem.  
He didn't see her turn back crying; didn't see her walk up to Pearl and Amethyst, shake her head; didn't see the three fall to the floor sobbing. They knew that this was the 20% when it didn't work.   
Steven ran past the big donut, his dad's van and every place he knew on the pier right to the end. He slammed into the fence keeping people from falling- or jumping. He placed his feet on the first level up to get a better view. He wondered what it was like for Lapis, being forced to fuse and then forcing herself into a jail cell. He was trapped in a bubble once, but he had someone else who he could talk to. The wind picked up and whipped his jacket and hair. His tears flew away with the wind and he realised one key fact. One thing that kept him grounded. He climbed up. He was a crystal gem. He climbed up. He protected the universe for all life. He reached the final rung and stepped over. He had to keep going for everyone.   
"Steven? What are you doing?" Connie said from behind him.  
He turned back. Connie's face was plastered with fear and her hair was billowing around her face. Lion was stood by her side with a half snarl on his face.   
"I- Connie. What are you doing here?" He stumbled over his words, gripping at the barrier.  
"Lion woke me up and handed me a note saying you ran away to the pier. Now, climb over the fence and we can talk about this. Okay?" Connie said, fear lacing her voice and she extended her hand for him to take.  
Steven leaned back, shook his head and took a half step back. He fell. Connie caught his sleeve and gave a yelp.  
"Steven! Please listen! Come back up and we can talk! I can help you! We can get through this together!" She sobbed, tears falling down her face and landing on the pier.  
Steven made an irreversible descion in that second his mind was clear. He leaned up and placed a kiss on her cheek. Then let go.

He woke up screaming. He grabbed his sheets and pinched his arm and felt the tears stain his face. The sky was black and his blankets kept him in his bed. He kept screaming until his voice was hoarse and he didn't stop. Garnet almost flew out of her room to get to him, tears spilling out of her eyes.  
"Steven, it's okay. It's okay. You won't be hurt. It's okay I know, we know." She comforted, holding him closely and rocking him slightly.  
"Don't leave me. Please." He croaked.  
"We would never."  
Pearl walked into the room with her phone in hand, staring in horror.  
"Garnet. The diamonds heard about Steven's therapy and they're upset. They want to be here for him." Pearl said, not looking up from her phone as she re-read the text from Spinel and Volleyball.  
"Well, we should greet them with kindness. And we should make Steven is okay with this." Garnet responded with a hint of anger seeping through.  
At that point, Pearl looked at to see Garnet clutching and rocking Steven- who hadn't stopped crying.  
"Oh Steven! What's wrong? What happened?" She cried, sitting next to them and running her fingers through Steven's hair.   
"Night terror" he whispered.  
"Oh, Steven. It's okay, we're here. All of us." Pearl responded hugging them closer.  
"I had two. I had one, thought I was awake, ran away and- and jumped off the pier."  
"Steven, your safe. We're with you." Garnet wispered, slightly tightning her grip.  
They were sat like that for a few minutes before Steven fell asleep.

He woke wrapped in Garnet's arms- safe. He pushed her off and walked into the bathroom. Looking into the mirror felt familiar but the face staring back was more stressed and tired. Fake smiles did nothing and he had therapy the next day so he couldn't hide that. He ran water from the shower and stepped into it.

He emerged five minutes later, saw the gems ready by the teleporter to take him to little homeschool. They had a nervous look in their eyes and he ignored it. He took his shake and bag and let the teleporter do it's work. The light was almost blinding and it didn't phase him like it did before. When he stepped out, it was all normal until he saw them. The Diamonds waiting for him with Spinel and Volleyball by their side.  
"Well, what a surprise! It's so good to see you!" He shouted, sarcasm seething through his too wide smile.  
"It's wonderful to see you too, Starlight!" White responded.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave feedback please and i do hope you enjoyed!


	5. Diamond

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The diamonds visit little homeworld and Steven freaks out.

The diamomds- despite claiming to be there for Steven- were taking a specific interest in the building of little homeschool and consistently asked about how fascinating it was that made a modern yet gem like place. When Steven told them the gems that had done the building, they had congratulated each one personally and decided to talk to Bismuth about the infrastructure and how they made it so brilliant. Steven felt even more tired as they kept talking. He saw the gems shifting uncomfortably and saw the strain on Garnet's face as the fusion tried to move them along and away from the construction of little homeschool.  
"Well Bismuth, I am fascinated by all of this! Please do teach me how to forge like that!" Yellow called after Steven dragged them away towards the 'clinic' as they called it.   
"The entire place is run by Lapis, Peridot and Freckles. They really know how to decorate." Steven said as they neared the building.  
"Peridot? Lapis Lazuli? And Freckles? Honestly who let them run a therapy clinic? Don't they need a special qualification?" White exclaimed, sending shivers down Steven's spine.  
"I'm sure it's fine! Besides, if they make people happy, isn't good?" Spinel interjected, giving a small cartwheel.  
Steven hummed in agreement before beckoning for the inhabitants of the clinic to talk with the diamonds about their work.  
"Well, we aim for all gems- and maybe even humans- to flourish and grow, despite trauma and mental health. We want for everyone to feel safe and be able to vent about what's troubling them. We also have a large open space for everyone to take a break and wander with nothing on their minds. We also will run different therapy methods in the garden- like singing, art, zumba, yoga, gardening, excersise and nature walks." Freckles said, showing pictures of the garden and building.   
The diamonds looked speechless. A hint of pride flickered in their eyes but Spinel was fixated on the garden. Steven knew what Pink did to her in the garden. Feeling that her childish antics had driven someone away and say nothing. Then seeing her with new friends had taken a toll on her. So he took her hand and said eight words that took everyone by surprise:   
"Why don't we let Spinel have therapy sessions?"  
The diamonds were taken aback and Spinel's eyes left the garden.  
"She still has trauma after what Pink did and it might help her being in a therapy clinic with a garden. Letting her run around, not having to wait for people, only to leave her behind." He continued, looking her dead in the eyes as he explained himself.  
"Starlight!" White called, causing him to jump "That's an excellent idea! You're just like Pink! So smart!"  
Rage and bitterness overcame Steven and his hands became a harsh pink. He shoved them in his pockets to hide them and calmed himself down.  
After five minutes of discussion, they decided that Spinel would have a small therapy session, to help make her mental health be the best it could, and they left with no fuss. Steven looked down at his hands and they still burned pink.  
"I'm going to walk around the garden for a bit." He spat and stalked off.  
"Steven!" Peridot shouted after him, "Can I walk with you?"  
"Sure." Steven grumbled.

In the garden, they walked in silence for five minutes, letting Steven's hands turn a regular shade before talking.  
"So, what happened back there?" Peridot said with a small notepad and green pen in hand.  
"They said I'm like Pink and I didn't like that. I keep feeling like I have to live up to her and all of her mistakes are mine. So I guess I just got mad."  
"Okay. Anything happen recently that might have gotten you riled up for some reason?"  
"I had a night terror if that helps?"  
"It dosen't help but that would explain some erratic behavior.  
"Erratic?"  
"You were more tired and agitated. More than usual at least."  
"I am offended!"  
"Good! What was this terror about?"  
"Well, I dreamt that Lapis shared the information and everyone mocked me. Connie was disgusted and it was the same but people kept laughing at me for being scared. Then, I dreamt I woke up."  
"You dreamt you woke up?"  
"Yup. That happens. So, I felt trapped. And I decided to run. Garnet found me and looked disgusted at what I'd done. I then ran to the pier where I climbed over the barrier. Connie found and it got really heated. Then, I kissed her-"  
"Aww so cute!"  
"And I jumped."  
"Oh.."  
"Then I woke up." Steven finished, his eyes glossy with tears.  
"I'm sorry. You know we love you, right? You know we want you to be happy. Can- can you come in more frequently? Like on Sat- Saturday? We need to make sure you get the help you need" Peridot choked on her words and grabbed Steven's jacket, keeping eye contact with him.   
"Okay. I will. Same time then?"  
"Same time."   
They continued walking the cuircit, letting them take in everything that the earth gave them. The trees provided shade and illuminated the pathway lined with roses- reminders of the person that caused all of this. He had to let it go. He had to take a break and rest. He had to make sure Pink hurt nobody else. He included himself when he said Pink.   
"Steven! You are out of it today." Peridot shouted.  
Steven realised she'd been calling his name for some time and he couldn't even be bothered to listen.   
"Steven, this is my therapists opinion, so you don't have to listen but, I think you should hold onto something when you sleep. Like a large stuffed animal or alien. Or a body pillow. They don't judge you and you can hug them as tight as you want!" Peridot continued.  
Steven paused for a split second before he said he'd wait and think about it.   
Peridot sighed and walked into building, sayimg that she still had things to unpack.

Steven kept walking around, hands brushing against the roses and tears pricked his eyes.   
"Why are you always there? Why does everything I do remind them of you? Just.. Just why?" He said to himself, picking a single, pale rose.  
For once, he let it fall to the floor and didn't heal the stem as he walked further into the heart of the garden.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so I didn't know that this would be read 180 times in one day- on Christmas no less- so I have to thank all of you for reading! Please leave feedback and I hope you enjoy!


	6. Garden

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven takes a walk in the garden and finds a fountain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: water and drowning- once again not bad!

The gems were scared. Steven was supposed to be walking with Peridot in the garden but now, he was alone. Amethyst was above, getting an aerial view as dog-copter; Garnet was sat in the place where she first found Steven, looking through the different timelines to find where Steven could be; and Pearl was running, searching for Steven while calling Greg, asking if Steven was with him. He said no.   
"I have nothing in the entire place. He's nowhere!" Amethyst shouted to Pearl as she landed.  
"He has to be somewhere. That's the entire point of prepositions." Pearl responded.  
"Wow miss dictionary I didn't know that!"   
"You do and you know it."  
"Hmpf! You don't know sarcasm when it's staring you in the face."  
"Hey!"  
"I hope Garnet's found something..."  
"Me too. I'm nervous."  
"No. You're scared. You want Steven to be safe. I'm gonna try call him." Amethyst said, comforting Pearl.  
"Wait, call him?"  
"We all have phones? Wait you forgot to call Steven! Ha!" Amethyst laughed and dialled Steven's number.

Steven looked at the phone in his hands and felt guilt creep up his arms. The ring stopped and he sent Amethyst to voice mail. He waited for her to leave a message before he started to walk again.  
'Steven! You have to pick up! Pearl is having a mental breakdown and we gotta get ya home! Besides, you need to coo-'  
The voicemail cut her off and Steven started to cry. He needed to hear a voice of comfort before continuing whatever he was doing. So, he pressed call back and waited, the phone heavy in his hands.  
"Steven! Thank god you picked up! Where are you?" Amethyst answered, panic lacing her voice.  
"Steven! Why didn't you ans-" Pearl cut in, clearly showing her distress.  
"Pearl! Let him talk! Honestly." Amethyst shouted, stopping her friend from shouting over Steven.  
"I'm with, um, I'm in a small center place, theres a fountain and some small gargoyle like creatures and I'm lost."  
"Okay, let me ask Peridot to get you. Wait there!"   
Amethyst hung up and Steven let his hands drop by his side. Was he lying? Not exactly. He knew where he was but he needed to cry. He felt lost. He felt like he could only see black with his eyes open and fog blocked his path. He felt the tears on his cheeks but he still felt numb. He dipped his hands in the water and the water stung. The cold should have snapped him back as it normally would with any person or gem. So he put in a second hand but to no avail. He remebered one other way to clear his head of the fog and mist. He sunk his head under the water. The cold shocked him and then, he felt something hold him under. He screamed and thrashed, begging to be pulled back up. He felt his arms go limp as he cried for the gems and salvation.  
"Steven no!" He heard someone shout.  
He was pulled up by rough hands pulling on his jacket and then warmth surrounded his chest and back. He clutched at the arms holding him in place as he wept with other person. He opened his eyes when he felt small hands on his cheeks.   
"Steven! What happened?" Peridot shouted in his face.   
"I- I- I d-"  
"Shh. Shh. It's okay. Let's just go home. Garnet's already there for you." Pearl said while loosening his grip around his back.  
He let them take him to the pad- leaving his car there for another time- and left for the house.  
The inside was the same as always, but Garnet was there, with a large, pink oversized lion toy.  
"Peridot said about hugging this is your sleep. It'll help you. I promise." She said, handing over the toy.  
Steven thanked her and threw himself onto the bed, promptly falling asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for pointing out that my mortal enemy is the letter 'u' and the drowning thing will come up several times in the future. Also, please leave feedback and I hope you enjoyed!


	7. Fountain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven sits by the fountain and thinks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to the people who gave me pointers on how to write better and gave me advice on how my story is going! This may be a little shorter as it was going to be longer but I cut it into two chapters.

Steven's night terrors only got worse. He kept seeing himself drowning. Either to end it or as something the diamonds did. He was yet to tell Connie about what he kept seeing but he couldn't bring himself to it. His therapy was more frequent than he would have liked, but he saw what Lapis and Peridot were doing. After coaxing Jasper out of her cave, they convinced her to try the counselling and now, she was walking around little homeworld with other gems and humans, like nothing happened. Every gem had tried the sessions and most kept going. While Steven was glad that gems were benefiting from the work Lapis and Peridot were doing, he felt like he could do more. So, he opened it for people. It was full, most of the time, and the garden was often filled with people looking for a brief escape from life, responsibility and burden. The only time he wasn't found by any other person, was when he was sat by the fountain. The water had a slight tint of pink and roses often filled the pools. Rainbows formed on the water and placed the small glove in serenity. Steven was sprawled across the edge, dipping his fingers into the cool water.   
"What am I doing?" He groaned, glancing at himself in the water.   
His eyes were hollow, dark and framed by the bags under his eyes. He swore he saw a flash of pink cross over one of his eyes and he almost screamed. He despised anything that could make him like Pink. He hated that he had her powers, her gem. It felt wrong to have it. He tried to convince himself otherwise but it felt like everything happened because of it. He almost died because of it and when it was taken, it left marks that couldn't be fixed or taken. He looked at the gargoyle like statues lining the grove and felt their condescending stare upon him. They had no faces and yet it felt like they saw his every move and tear. The stone was elegantly carved with swirls, dots and symbols. He saw the elements moulded into their skulls and smaller versions plastered on their distorted bodies. Then he heard nothing. The birds stopped chirping and his beathing became silent. He placed his hands on his chest and felt a slight rise. His eyes felt heavy and his head started to throb. The last thing saw was a fuzzy black bird sat above his head.


	8. Lapis

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Freckles, Lapis and Peridot walk through the garden on a mission

Freckles was walking with Lapis and Peridot, trying for a strong signal.   
"Why do you wanna call her? She was so mean!" Peridot shouted, still trying to get the communicator to send out a call.  
"Well, it was just us for such a long time. Besides, we had fun and we could do that here! Together." Freckles said, blushing profusely.   
"Besides, we can help her stop taking out her anger on planets. She still does minimal damage so we can both help her." Lapis finished, taking Freckles' hand.   
Peridot grunted and stopped dead in her tracks.   
"I got it! Freckles, stand here and say who you want to call, then, we can send up this device and it'll find other Lapis! Wait what do we call her?"  
"She had a bob cut style if that helps?"  
"Bob it is!"  
The three gems laughed as Peridot sent the device to find Bob. They waited for a while in silence until a blurry image appeared in front of them.  
"Wait... Lapis? What are you doing?" Bob shouted through the screen.  
The crackling deafened them and they screamed, sending another crackling through to Bob. After the crackling stopped, Freckles started to talk.  
"Hi, um, Lapis. How are you?" She said, nervous of Bob's reaction.  
"I'm good. I miss you." She said, clearly embarrassed.  
Freckles looked taken aback. She left her friend for what she thought was the greater good.  
"I miss you too. Do you wanna meet up?" Freckles whispered, smiling fiercely.  
"Yeah! I can meet you in little homeworld, if you like? I wanna see if it's worth it." Bob said, blush appearing on her cheeks.  
"Hey Lapis?" Peridot said, uncomfortable at the conversation.  
"Yes?" The other gems said in unison, voices harmonizing.  
"Oh um, no, Lapis who lived here the longest."  
"Oh right! Yes." Lapis said, pushing towards her friend.  
"Shall we leave these two to talk? "Yeah. Lets walk."

Peridot and Lapis didn't aim to walk anywhere. They saw the beauty and elegance of the garden and trees and felt the sun on their gems.  
"Pumpkin would have liked this." Lapis lamented.  
Peridot paused, thinking about what was just said: "Yeah she would. I miss her."  
"I feel bad. Guilty even. I left her behind."  
"You came back."  
They paused and looked at each other, sorrow in their eyes. They loved Pumpkin, she brought them closer together and now she was gone. It was over, wasn't it?  
"When I first met Freckles and Bob, there were small flowers, like pumpkin. I found one just like her and I was... it stung to see something just like her."  
"And?" Peridot said, inquisitive as to what came next.  
"And I did nothing. I thought about bringing her back here but it felt wrong. It would've been taking her out of her home. Like I did with the barn."  
"It doesn't matter now. Besides, we have eachother." Peritot said, taking Lapis' hand.  
They kept walking hand in hand, waiting for any event to disrupt them. It was inevitable to find something to disrupt the peace but, they had to take a break.

Then they heard a whimper. And someone gasping for breath. They turned the corner in the path and saw Steven, sat by the fountain, weeping.  
"Steven?" Peridot asked, eyes wide with worry.  
He turned and they both gasped.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed and I hope you like my name for mean lapis! Thanks tumblr! Also what comes next? I have no clue I didn't plan this far.


	9. Pink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The gems and Steven talk.

Greg was washing his van and trying to get used to length of his hair when he got the call.

Garnet was packing Steven's things into a suitcase when Pearl told her.

Pearl and Amethyst were dealing with volleyball when they were told.

The diamonds were sorting times for Spinel and Volleyball to enter councelling when they got word of what had happened.

Peridot, Lapis and Freckles were sat with Steven in the clinic when the gems and Greg arrived.  
"What happened, is Steven okay?" Pearl shouted as she ran towards him.  
"We found him crying by the fountain. He changed form. He looked like her." Peridot said.   
"He turned into her." Amethyst spat, repeating what Peridot said, venom lacing her words.   
The gems looked shocked, Greg looked distraught and his mouth was agape.  
"Steven... are you okay?" He said, taking his son's hands.  
Steven shook his head, a single tear falling down his face and leaving a pink streak where it was.   
"I need to talk to you in private." Pearl wimpered to the gems and Greg.  
"I'll stay with Steven. You know him better and he might need company." Freckles said, a faint smile appearing on her otherwise concerned face. 

The gems gathered in Lapis' office, away from anyone else.  
"Pearl, Garnet, whats going on?" Greg spouted as soon as the door shut.  
"He's been turning pink when he's upset or angry. It mainly happens when bad stuff happens because of Rose. I didn't know it would get this bad. Garnet? Is this good or bad?" Pearl explained, sitting down after choking on her words.  
"All foreseeable futures I saw involved something like this. I can't say for sure." Garnet said, pain coarsing through her voice.  
The gems looked down, hiding their fear and tears pricking at their eyes. 

Steven and Freckles sat in silence, waiting for the gems to exit the room. Thousands of thoughts ran through his head, clouding his mind from what was happening around him. The door to Lapis' office opened and everyone left. Steven felt their hands on his arms and felt Garned ruffle his hair.   
"Stu-ball? You good?" Greg said, fear in his voice.  
"Yeah. I just need to rest." Steven looked up and watched them all be taken aback.  
He knew he was tired. He knew he looked it. He knew his tears had stained his face pink. But he couldn't fathom why they were so horrified.  
"Steven! Y- your eye!" Pearl shrieked, pointing at his right eye.  
"What!" He asked, covering his eye with both his hands.  
Pearl took his hands away from his eye and became confused.  
"W- whats going on?" Steven repeated, as confused as Pearl.  
"Steven, your eye turned pink. Then, it turned back." Amethyst explained, taking his hands gently.  
Steven threw his head back and sighed. He heard Garnet whisper to Pearl, who then whispered something in someone's ear and then felt hands grab his wrists and pull him up.  
"Steven, can we give you an emergency session?" Lapis asked, light flickering in her eyes.  
Steven's face flickered with hate, guilt, sorrow and understanding.   
"Yeah. Yeah I will." He said, and let Lapis lead him into her office.

He realised one thing that day. His mom would always be a part of him. She would always be there. As would her mistakes and enemies. As would the people who loved her and the people she loved. But those people would be there for him. And he had all the people she had and more. He could no longer deny the fact that she caused most of his problems but he could fix it. All it takes is a little bit of patience, a little bit time, a bit of perseverance, and a little up hill climb. And, it took people who guenuenly cared for him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There will only be a few more chapters after this but hey it'll hopefully be happier! I was crying as I wrote this because I was listening to Hamilton and Dear Evan Hansen on shuffle. I hope you enjoyed this and please leave feedback!


	10. Pier

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spinel goes to therapy and Steven meets up with Connie.

Spinel was fidgeting in her seat. Freckles and Bob had just let out a beach city resident and was waiting for the all clear from Lapis. Her arms started drooping and her legs felt like jelly.  
"Spinel, Lapis would like to see you please."

Spinel layed down on the sofa, running her fingers along the gold accents.  
"Now, Spinel, I know we have had some difficulty in the past but we have moved past that. And I have been advised by other 'clients' to say: you don't have to answer every question. You can say pass and I will move on." Lapis said, adjusting her pen in her hands.  
"Okay. I guess we should get on with this?"  
"Yes, let's. So, how are you feeling today?"  
"Well, I'm nervous. But, I feel happy."  
"Why do you feel that way?"  
"I'm nervous because this feels weird. I can't explain it but it's just being alone and saying my feelings. I feel happy because I can feel better and the diamonds make me feel happy. Besides, they make me feel at home."  
"Why do you think they treat you like this?"  
"They know me through Pink and I remind them of her!"  
"Why do you think that?"  
"I... Heard them say that."  
"Can you go into more detail?"  
"Pass!"  
"Okay. How often do you see other people or gems?"  
"Not often I guess?"  
"Okay. What do the diamonds do with you? On a week to week basis."  
"Well, we wake up and meet in the throne room. Then, the diamonds have a meeting about how to help gems across the galaxy. Then we meet up and play games for a bit, walk around homeworld. Thats it really. We do that the entire week."  
"Do you ever get bored of a mundane life?"  
"Yeah. Now we have little homeworld, I can do more. And, the diamonds have been working on making themselves more conveniently sized to visit more often."  
"But have you been feelin like you're stuck in one place?"  
"I do have homeworld. But yes. I do stuck."  
"Do you think this has something to with Pink?"  
"Yes. I almost destroyed Earth because of her."  
"I think you need to get out more. You can also spend time in the garden."  
"What'dya mean?"  
"Well, you were stuck in a garden for 6000 years. Steven did also bring back your memories by taking you to the garden. If you just sit down and take in your surroundings, it could help. Take long walks and listen to music. Anything else you think might help?"  
"Not off the top of my head. Thanks Lapis."  
"It's okay. Freckles will take you outside to Peridot. Just remeber, we will always be here for you."  
"Okay. Thanks again, Lapis."

Steven was sat in the arcade, humming along to the music as he threw the balls into the hoop. He had the perfect score for every shot and when the time ran out, tens of tickets spurted out at him.  
"Maybe Onion won't be ticket master any more!" He said to himself.  
"You'd take that away from a child?" A voice behind him said.  
"Connie, he has been ticket master since he was a baby. Besides, I can get you something."  
"Ha! Like I need anything from here!"  
"They have limited editions of your favourite books."  
"Okay I'm in."  
The two teens laughed and started to leave the arcade until a sharp tug on Steven's sleeve stopped them from leaving.  
"Yes, Onion, you can have my tickets." Stevn sighed and handed him the bundle.  
Onion ran off and Connie grabbed Steven's hand.

They walked across the pier, hands interlinked and holding the two close.  
"We should do this more. It's nice." Connie lamented, staring into the ocean.  
"Yeah. You've had college, I've had gem stuff and therapy. It never seems to end!"  
"Therapy?" Connie questioned, giving a questionable look to her friend.  
"Yes... Apparently I have some form of PTSS and night terrors."  
"Anything I can do to help?"  
"Stay with me when it gets hard."  
"Always."  
Their shoulders brushed and the two felt a similarly strange sensation wash over them as they became one.

Stevonnie looked to the night sky and started humming to themselves. They pulled the jacket round their chest, defending them from the cold. They knew everything about the two people. The good, the bad, the mediocre and it didn't phase them. Nothing could- not anymore.  
"So, I guess I should get going. Mom and Dad are still worried for me about all this."  
"You've been to space how hard can this be?"  
"I don't blame them being scared. It's just that I don't want to be doing stuff like that all the time. I was so scared."  
"Me too. I wish it would have been better."  
"Steven. I'm sorry. For everything that's happened."  
"It isn't your fault."  
"I wasn't there for you. I should have been."  
A white light shone across the pier as the two unfused.  
"Steven. You have to accept others were responsible for some of this. We could've stopped some of this. White taking your gem took a toll on us all!" Connie said, producing a small smile and blush.  
Steven's mind went blank. Then darkness clouded his vision. His face fell and he shouted.  
"Well then! Maybe you know know how it feels then to have a part of you being ripped out and not being able to tell anyone!"  
Connie looked speechless. Steven turned pink and anger stuck on his face.  
"I- I didn't mean to shout. I'm so, so sorry! I took it the wrong way a- and I-" Steven said, shaking the pink out of his skin.  
"No! No! It's okay, Steven. You're right. I don't know what that's like. I didn't mean to freak out. We- we can help you."  
"I'll only hurt people."  
"Steven, you have to let us help. Please, just let us in. Talk with us and your counsellor. We need you to let us know how it goes okay?"  
Steven fell silent and his skin turned a normal hue. He agreed and turned away.  
"I'm going to sleep. I suggest you do the same."

He walked back to the beach house, one word on his mind.  
Needed.  
Connie needed him and he felt somewhat whole again. For as long as he could remember, people needed him. Needed him to be like his mom. Needed him to save everyone. Needed him to fix their problems. What would happen if they didn't need his help. Didn't need him. He shoved the thoughts aside as he fell into the matress and slept, begging for night terrors to leave him alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all who read this! Also I got in Connie! Now, I have to keep this going and make it have a good ending! Also I have decided to set this away from little graduation and Prickly Pear! I think that this works as a divergence from the story if Steven got help after why so blue.


	11. Scream

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spinel thinks and visits Steven.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, all this feedback is brilliant you guys, and it may get worse. And this may be long.

Spinel saw the diamonds sat upon the giant thrones and cleared her throat.  
"After talking with my therapist, I have realized that I must get outside more. I would like to confirm that I- um, um- I should visit my friends in little homeworld some more and maybe attend little homeschool?" Spinel couldn't control her wavering voice. Tears fell to the floor as she wrapped her arms around herself.  
"Oh dear! Spinel, of course you can go!" Yellow cried. "We wouldn't want you to be sad!" Blue said. "Now, how about we go for a walk and calm down, tomorrow, you can go down to little homeworld and enjoy yourself!" White finished, picking up Spinel.

Walking felt tiresome to Spinel, she longed to run and be free, be able to jump and laugh in nature. Maybe the garden was the perfect way to heal. She let her arms droop to the floor and they started to drag behind her.  
"Spinel, you're arms are behind us now! Why don't you pick them up?" White suggested, forcing the gem to pick up after herself.  
She heard Blue whisper something to Yellow and White, but the pink gem seemed to drag her thoughts down.   
"Spinel, why don't you take Steven's warp pad down to little homeworld? Take a day for yourself!" Blue said to the smaller gem.  
Spinel nodded, trapped in her own thoughts, running a finger over her gem- the source of most of her problems. The diamonds kept walking around with no aim or problems as Spinel activated the warp. Would Steven be able to accommodate her on such short notice? The light of the warp brought her back to the present as she felt herself be lifted up through space, and towards planet Earth.

When Steven heard the warp pad activate from under his covers, he scrambled to his feet to see who it was. When he saw Spinel, he sighed and walked over to her, wiping the bags out from under his eyes.  
"Spinel, why didn't you warp to little homeworld?" He said, taking her arm.  
"Well, I thought we could go together! Wouldn't that be fun?" She responded, no noticing the subtle pink hue of his skin and eye.  
"Fine, let me get ready." Harsh undertones escaped his mouth and Spinel faltered.   
She hadn't expected anything like that from someone- less likely Steven.  
"Steven, you don't have to join me." She rushed her words, somewhat fearing of his reaction.   
The boy fell still and Spinel took a slight step back when she heard his breathing become ridged. She told him she would be in little homeworld, wandering around if he needed anything. Then she left him alone.

He saw through blurred eyes that his skin was turning pink. Then, it became a light as he started to scream and sob. He messed up with Connie and now he was losing a friend? He wasn't thinkg properly and he wanted to be left alone.  
"STOP BEING IN MY HEAD!" He screamed.   
Glass around him shattered, small rocks started to fall off of the cliff and the wood started to splinter and fall apart. He screwed his eyes shut and bubbled himself. His body formed into a small ball like shape at the bottom of the bubble and he tugged at his hair, pulling at strands and clumps until he felt some tear out.   
At that moment, he felt worthless. Feeling people start to drift away, not seeing most of his friends, clinging on to anything he had and then pushing away people who want to be with him.  
No.  
No.  
No.  
He pushed the thoughts aside and opened up his eyes. He saw the damage and decided, he had to fix this. Before anyone saw. He dragged himself to the bathroom, splashed water on his face- stopping the pink that covered his body, smoothed back his hair and smiled. He hoped it would fool one of the very first crystal gems to ever fight for earth: Bismuth.

She was making a small trinket when he found her, looming over it like a giant looking over a goose.  
"Hey Bismuth!" He cheered, mindful of the searing hot stone under his feet.  
"Hey Steven! Does the house need fixing again?" She responded, waving her free hand.  
"No, just wanna learn how to. Cut you some slack ya know? What's that?"  
"This? This is a telescope. I though I could make a metal workshop and sell cool things! I already sold five necklaces online!"  
"That's so cool! How does it work?"  
"Well, normal process for making things, I just have to be a little more carefull but its fine- I like a challenge. I then take pictures and upload them to a website where people buy them!"  
"Which one?"  
"I got another gem to make it. And we have advertisements all over the internet! Bismuth's craft and forgery! You can commission any work and have it delivered to your door in a few weeks!"  
"That's brilliant! I'm glad you have something to work on!" Steven felt the sarcasm and self hatred slip through his tone.  
Why did he have to feel like this? Why were his thoughts running rampent in his mind?  
"So, you wanna learn to fix your house right?" Bismuth said, remembering what he was actually there for.  
Steven nodded, giving a wider smile than before. It hust and it felt fake to have to smile and lie. Bismuth was his friend. So were the gems. So, why couldn't he tell them? He told Lapis and Peridot but the gems needed to know. But then, Bismuth started talking about the house. He couldn't blame her, that eas what he asked her about. Not his problems.

The beach house was empty when he arrived. The floor and glass were still damaged and it seemed like Amethyst hadn't raided to kitchen, Pearl hadn't already tried to tidy up and Garnet hadn't sent for Bismuth to fix the house. Not yet at least. He pulled out the tools he borrowed from the gem, and set to work. It was tedious work, considering that he only had to bend the wood into it's origian plave and then seal it in. The windows were an easy fix, just take out the frame and place the new one in. The floor only required a bit of cement and re boarding so he fulled it in and placed the boards on top, remembering to place out a wet floor sign.   
After, he placed the tools in a box under his bed and fell into the warm embrace of blankets and a matress.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have spun a large web to fix. Ouch indeed!


	12. Beach

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two years later and Steven is finished with therapy. But now, he has some new problems because of his solutions.

Steven had the words playing in his mind over and over again.  
"We love you Steven. We will always be there for you. No matter what."  
He thought of the blue, green and gold building that he walked away from and how he had been surprised with a therapy marker saying 'You did it!' and a small celebration party. After three years of therapy and way too much crying for a human, he finally felt whole again. His gem didn't feel like a burden anymore, he had his emotions under control and had a way to let it go, he cherished those around and let them help him and still go their seperate ways when it was over. The stars shone as he reached the warp pad and he met a gem with a pink heart hanging on her chest.  
"Was it good?" She asked after exchanging pleasantries.  
"Yeah. I felt accomplished and I knew they were always there for me. I hope you get that soon!"  
"Yeah well, I still need to find a balance with thoughts."  
"That was a course. I'm happy for you."  
"I'm happy you got through this. Anyways, what do you plan on doing now?  
"Gem stuff probably. Help get other gems here. What about you?"  
"I got the diamonds to get some counselling and I did the same for Volleyball. Now, we might move down here to little homeworld!"  
"That's amazing! I can't wait to see you more often, I mean, when did we last speak?"  
Spinel fell silent as she started to remember the day when she first took a solo trip to earth.  
"When you freaked out on me... and I first went into little homeworld." She responded solemnly.  
"Yeah. I'm sorry about that. I hope I can make it up to you."  
"It's alright. I'm now learning how to forgive and let things go. Hey, let's go out with Connie, she'll want to know about this!" Spinel suggested, taking her friend's arm and dragging him onto the warp.  
"Oh! No she has-"  
Steven was cut off by the sound and light of the warp, taking him to somewhere he didn't recognise. Until he heard the familiar cheer of the beach city residents.

"So Steven, you don't need therapy anymore?" Connie asked when the crowd of their friends had dispersed.  
"Not really. I'm still going to do it because I need to able to talk things out. Whenever I see people I think of what she did to them."  
"Yikes. Spinel said that you feel more whole and at peace with your gem!"  
"Yeah, I do. Plus the night terrors have stopped being so frequent."  
His expression sofened and he looked almost placid with despair as he spoke of the dreams that haunted him. Connie took his hand and leaned her neck against his shoulder and hummed to herself, letting the peace of the ocean distract them from Beach city.  
"One of the first terrors I had, was right here. I ran away from the gems and got here, then you found me. I jumped." Steven's voice faltered and he felt Connie squeeze his hand.  
"You know I would never let that happen, neither would the gems." She responded, looking him in the eye.  
"I miss this. I want things to go back the way they were."  
"No gem stuff or the diamonds?"  
"Yeah. To think that I knew nothing of this and now I've liberated the galaxy. It's scary."  
"What makes it so scary?"  
"I liberated the galaxy, the biggest thing in existence. And if something goes wrong, it's a lot of blame on me."  
"Steven, nothing is going to happen. We're going to make sure of it."  
The waves washed against the wood, carried surf to the shore and held memories the two shared together. Steven watched as Connie left with her parents after five minutes together and fending off seagulls. The ocean felt oddly calming and inviting, like it was home. He always wanted to spend time by the beach, time enjoying the water. He wanted to forget everything that ever pained him. He walked down to beach and slipped off his sandals and placed them with his phone and discarded jacket. He bubbled them, worried about thieves and then, he waded into the water. The moon gave him light and the cold nipped at his feet, turning his toes a light red.

"So Lapis, fo you have any concerns about Steven?" Pearl asked the blue and green gems.  
"Well, no, but actually yes. Right now, there isn't anything happening to him. It's like he gave up on emotion. No night terrors, no sudden out bursts. He doesn't care about anything thats happening, not even the diamonds coming every month. It's scaring me." Lapis responded in barely a whisper.  
"He seems fine when we see him. I dont understand what you're trying to say."  
"We think that he may be pushing his feelings down. It is common to find people who want to stay happy for others or who find unhealthy coping mechanisms. Trust me, I read it online." Peridot interjected.  
The three fell silent and watched as Garnet and Amethyst joined them.  
"So, what did I hear about Steven?" Amethyst asked.

The ukulele strings eroded his fingers and it almost stung. The beach was still calm and it kept his mood somber. It hurt his mind to think that he once played so regularly in this spot and it would clear his mind. He couldn't fathom that it hurt to do something he enjoyed and when a familiar purple gem sat by him, his gem almost cracked under the pressure to not break down.  
"So, Pearl told me not to tell you that Lapis and Peridot said that you might be pushing your feelings down. You haven't done anything in a long time and they said you stopped caring about most things."  
"Well, they're wrong."  
"W- what?"  
"I'm not 'repressing my feelings'. I'm still caring about things and I don't understand why they would ever say that. I am fine so I don't know why-"  
"Dude. Stop repeating yourself. Please don't take it personally but you haven't been yourself."  
"So just because I got rid of my emotions it doesn't mean I'm not being myself."  
"I didn't say that and neither did Lapis and Peridot. And, what do you mean about 'getting rid of your emotions'?"  
"I- I. I realized that most of my powers are emotional based and most of the trauma from mom makes me turn pink and break things. I'd rather subdue all my powers than have them spiral out of control. I still love you guys and Connie and this place but I keep it down so I don't hurt you."  
"Dude, it's okay to have feelings and thoughts. You have counselling to make sure you can say how you feel. We love you. We will always be there for you. No matter what."  
Steven hummed in agreement and laid back on the sand, letting the purple gem leave for food. The words kept playing in his head and he almost couldn't handle it. His face flushed pink and the tears dragged the pink down his face. He needed to find a solution that kept him sane and still made him feel calm and in control. He hoped another gem could help him now, like he once did for them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Question: how do you feel about Steven swearing? It makes sense for him to say the occasional swear word because he needs it.


	13. Let go.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Steven makes choices.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sorry the writing quality dipped here, I knew how I was gonna end it, just not how to write it. Sorry folks!

"Shit."  
Steven saw it in his head. All the emotions he bottled up, everything he didn't say, somehow escaped his mind. Pearl wept and Garnet kept looking down at him. Amethyst had her back turned and he knew he couldn't stay. Connie was away at college and had moved on. Half of his friends had gone and he hardly saw his dad. He felt Lapis and Peridot scolding him for not being open, for letting this happen. He felt every gem and human come down on him and he couldn't take any of it anymore. 

The darkness of the room and the ringing of his alarm ended up being a comfort.   
Well done Mr. Universe. Another noght of nothing but hatred. Just accept your fate.  
The voices in his head kept being relentless and he gripped his blankets with rage.  
"Steven! We have to work now! Keep up the good work!"   
Pearl's words had stopped being so meaningful when he decided to push emotions away and started to discover other methods when using his power. It seemed fine to him, letting himself lay in his bed and focusing his mind on his gem. He let it fall like a natrual petal, shifted by the natural balance of the earth and form in the shape of a shield. It rested above his chest, waiting to be used. Steven smiled and shifted his body to the side, allowing him a view of the house. Nothing had changed. Not since he had to fix the place himself with Bismuth. Now, he occationally called them for a check up, too occupied to visit in person. Maybe, he could keep it under control. So his plan could work. All he could do was wait for the perfect time to tell them about his plan. Sure, Connie would miss him. So would the gems. So would everyone. But, he was an adult and had to do things for himself.   
"What are you doing Steven?" He shouted into his pillow.

He waited. The gems wouldn't be back for half an hour with Greg, Lapis and Peridot and he wanted to cry. He didn't hear them walk through the door, didn't hear them sit down. Not until Pearl placed a gentle hand on his back and asked what was wrong.  
"I'm thinking of leaving Beach City and getting different therapy to help me move on like everyone else." He said, clutching the hem of his shirt.  
"Dude what the fuck?"  
They stared at Amethyst, horrified she spoke.  
"Son, you do know what this means right?" Greg spoke up, confirming his thoughts.  
"Yeah. I did research and I can make my way to a neighboring town. I looked at Hill city and found some jobs I could do and started to make a CV."  
The gems looked mortified. Steven's stomach tied itself into nots as Garnet stood up and looked him in the eye.  
"You should do it. All who agree that this would be beneficial, say aye."  
Steven waited for them to decline. Only to find that they all nodded.  
Tears started falling and he choked on his sobs  
"I-I thought you wouldn't w-want me to?"  
"Steven, if you think it's best, go for it. We won't stop you." Peridot said, embracing him tightly.  
He smiled as he kept crying, waiting to be free from the city he knew.

The goodbye party wasn't much. Six months and the last bit of therapy on emotional control was over and he was free. Just some parting gifts and tears were left, letting him be at one with his feelings. So, as Steven stepped into his car with his belongings and a new set of keys for an apartment, he let go. Let go of the past and sang while he drove down the open road, through Jasper's woods, and out of Beach city.

**Author's Note:**

> Please give feedback on how to improve. And I hope you enjoy!


End file.
